Thursday, June 8, 2017

Anniversary of Grief

This post is 365 days overdue. It could've or should've been written right after you both died. Your lives were worth celebrating, but I couldn't find adequate words to pay tribute and still can't. A year later I'm still struggling to put this suffering into words. Maybe it's dissipated some but may not ever disappear. I don't know how to make this emptiness stop hurting.

I lost my best friends a year ago. Someone who doesn't know me would consider me crazy for pouring so much emotion into pets, but they don't know. You all were with me when I was by myself but made me feel not so alone. You stayed with me through all the moves, the different strangers walking in and out of our lives, forever loyal companions and supporters. I had you, and you had me. Even if I could depend on people, you were faithful. The pair of you were an impermanent part of me that made my life feel more meaningful. If I felt like nothing else meant anything, your lives depended on me, and that kept me going.

You seemed to know I tried my best to help you when you were both sick. Animals age and get sick, but your suffering wasn't fair. A lot isn't fair, but you didn't ask to keep going. I made you do that, so I had to let you go. I hate hearing "it's the humane thing to do" or "it's selfish to keep them alive for you." Because it sucks that you couldn't stay with me longer, and I know no other pets will ever measure up to you. None will be as smart as Char or as sweet as Gris. And nobody will ever fill this hole in me. I still lay awake sometimes with a stone being ground inside my chest. Your lock on my gaze, Char, gave me closure. Animals don't do that unless they know, and I felt your message. But I wish it were enough.

Now I'll just keep missing you, even though I can breathe. No panic attacks but no connection like we had. Gris was my darling girl, but Char was my partner longer. You both welcomed my boy, protected him from the stupid dog, and stuck with me and to me when I felt alone when the house included three people supposed to be a family. You were my family, though. I never felt alone with you near me.

And I still can't do you justice. No eloquence comes, and my tears won't stop. I think I see you out of the corner of my eye, but I'm wrong. I'm still sad. I miss you so much, and I wish I knew why this is still so hard after all this time. You filled a third of my life, and I can't imagine feeling that loved by anyone else again.

It's silly projecting all this feeling onto pets, "just animals," but maybe you know how you were loved. You can't be just gone, because you were so important. Part of me is gone. Living lacks without you, but this anger is wasted. I wish remembering your beautiful lives took it away. Instead of you simply being gone. I will always miss you.